Monday, March 1, 2010
Journey
But because the quality of the light had changed from yellowish to gray, he could not. He could not encapsulate the feeling in the room. He could not step back from her or, more exactly, from the reflection of her. The light shifted to shadow and took the breath out of the whispers that had just been sent across the room in an effort to bend her ear and her heart towards him once more. The shadow skittered across the ceiling chasing the last bits of illumination out the window that had been purposefully propped open to give the sun an exit. The shadow that had at first stunned into silence now wrapped around the limbs and trunks in an embrace. Giving safety, allowing investigation. Gray fingers enticed her towards him, lured her towards his presence. His singular presence in the room full of aimlessness. Aimless wandering in the dark, aimless giggling at the chance brushes of hips and fingers. But he had not moved since the shadow had displaced the light. His gaze had focused on where he had left her, on where he had aimed his whispers. His intentions were rooted in the colors that had splashed through the crystals nestled in the nook at the base of her throat. Those colors had crept into her eyes as she smiled. That smile that had disappeared when she’d seen him across the room. But now, now she was wending her way toward him, deliberately choosing steps that would take her away from the others now waltzing across the wooden floor, in the dark. He could feel her approach and renewed his commitment to stillness. The one point of stillness in the whirl of movement. The movement that stirred the air across his neck and her wrists. The air they were now sharing. Sharing in a moment of anticipation. His eyes had adjusted to the dim and focused on the line from her cheekbones down her jaw. She caught a glimpse of the sheen across his teeth as his lips pulled into a grin. He was starting to draw comfort from her shadow being when the loud crack of her palm across his face ushered the light back in with great haste. Opening his eyes after a breath and a moment to re-grow accustomed, he found that he could.
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4 comments:
Hmmm, if you're ever so inclined, I'd be curious to hear from you what's specifically going on in this one. Also, the first line is really nice, and the second-to-last sentence totally catches you off-guard.
I especially like the sentence: "He could feel her approach and renewed his commitment to stillness." Otherwise, it's very interesting, very impressionistic (& I suppose a story about the play of light and shadow should be just that). I appreciate Josh's desire to know what's going on, but I think any more clarity would ruin the impressionism, and strip the reader of his/her power of interpretation. Also, you clocked in at around 350 words! Way to tell a whole story/describe a complete scene in under 500!
Well, you can always slap "SPOILER ALERT" up top if anyone is worried about their own interpretation being ruined. I don't think this or any story needs to be explained, but sometimes it's fun to hear, and can provide grounding for further critique. Anyway, it never hurts to ask -- the writer's not under any obligation to answer.
I just really wanted to play with this one. I was fully committed to playing with the words.
The beginning ideas of light and shadow brought the ideas of balance to me, so with the he came a she. As the light left, so came the shadow. As his joy of her bloomed, so did her distaste of him.
So basically, I was just playing with words and the idea of balance within a story...I think I could have taken it farther, but I also was worried about it feeling over-worked.
I knew it would be impressionistic...but also wanted to give the impression of real characters. I'm undecided as to how successful I was... :)
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